Harry Pothead and the Chamber of Suicides
by ValleyGurl4rmHell
Summary: Chapter 2 is up and I hope u enjoy. Harry succeeds to stay sober for not that long though he gets more into school and he has a new creature to deal with in Magical Creatures. AN Miss Mina Murray this is the same 2nd chapter u r&r 2. So thanx.
1. Wasted

Harry Pothead and The Chamber of Suicides  
  
All H.P. Characters  
  
Belong To J.K.  
  
Author's Note::Ok this is it so far.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Harry a boy born into a Pothead family of wizards was made orphaned when an evil dark wizard that was running for President murdered his parents. The thing was the evil wizard "Voteforhim" cousin of George Bush was running and lost the election and the reason was because the Potheads didn't vote for him and when the Potheads don't vote no one votes. It wasn't because they didn't want to vote it was because the night before they got so wasted they woke up to late and when I mean wasted I mean Harry which was only a 1 wasn't even sober it was one of the trade marks of the family. Well anyways Voteforhim found out and tried to find them but of course they had a secretkeeper the one that holds the secret of where their hiding and of course Sirius Track was theirs and this guy didn't have his last name for nothing. He was the most f**king trackable person you would ever meet. He would leave something here and there untill you found the ass wipe. So the Potheads convinced Sirius Track to make Peter Asskisser secretkeeper at the last moment. Voteforhim found Peter Asskisser who had been on Voteforhim's side all along and told him where the Potheads were and of course when he went there there was so much dope smoke he got high himself and when he found the Potheads just blown out on the floor he killed the both of them, leaving him and the baby alone. But when he tryed to kill Harry a smell of cronic and acid came out of the baby Harry and consumed Voteforhim and ever since Harry Pothead has had a dope shaped scar on his forehead. But Voteforhim did come back even though in a differnt body once before and in Harry's second year everyones betting he'll come back for more.  
  
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While Harry Pothead has to worry about Voteforhim in his second year at "Hoghores School of Tacky Witches and Sick Wizards" to come for him and has to keep Hermione Stangler from choking people to death who don't know the answers and Ron Easy from going with any girl who says his name no matter what they look like is a struggle for him. And for the fact that he has a scar on his forehead that looks alot like a piece of dope. His fight for keeping sober is also a challenge and from all the possibillities he doesn't know whats going to happen next.  
  
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The Beginning of the Year Feast::  
  
Voices rose as many students entered the Great Hall for the Beginning of the Year Feast. It wasn't the typical pure words as you would hear in a private school. You could hear skrieks of pain curses and somewhat sexual noises who didn't bother to lower their voices. And the sick thing is some of them were the same sex.  
  
Harry Pothead entered the Great Hall with his two best friends holding his arms to keep him on his feet, Ron Easy and Hermione Strangler. He had kept sober all the way to the train station but when he got on the Hoghores Express he pulled out his stash and went into that 'If-you-touch-me-when-I'm-enjoying-myself-I'll-kill-you' state. And everyone took that seriously and just let him get as wasted as he wanted. So there they are in the Great Hall holding up an indisposed Harry. But it happened..Some girl called Ron's name and he forgot all about Harry and dropped him to go talk to the girl. Hermione couldn't hold his weight alone and dropped him smack on his face. There was blood everywhere.  
  
Hermione::you f**king d**khead:: she screamed at Ron who was flirting with the fat Slytherin girl::  
  
Hermione turned Harry around and felt better when she learned she only broke his nose and not head but he was still out cold. She pulled out her wand and muttered something when Harrys head burst into flames.  
  
Hermione::oops, I must have exhaled to much dope smoke::She muttered something else while Harry started to scream nobody really noticing him except for Hermione who was holding him down with her foot.::Harry, Harry you a** stop it let me fix it, she muttered something else and the blood and fire vanished leaving no trace.::  
  
Harry rubbed his dope shaped scar.  
  
Harry::next time I'm not sober please don't try to make me by magic::  
  
Hermione::it's not my fault you smoke to much and I enhaled alot of it::  
  
Harry::yea and you were just against the whole thing he said sarcastly::  
  
Ron walked up to them.  
  
Ron::man I shouldn't of told the Slytherin girl how big I was she said Neville Longbottom was bigger and I was gay::  
  
Harry::you mean that fat ass bitch over there::  
  
Ron::shes not that fat::  
  
Hermione::she can't fit through the Great Hall doors without magic, Ron, ewww::  
  
They sat down and stopped talking as the Great Hall doors opened once more and they could hear the cursings of Professor Mcnotahore to the first years::  
  
Mcnotahore::you lil sh*t's stay in line or I'll turn you into a f**king old granny::  
  
First Years::shut up you f**king old hag::  
  
They walked up to the steps leading to the the tacky looking wizard hat. All of a sudden the hat opened it fungus rip and started to rap::  
  
Sorting Hat::  
  
Hey lil sh*ts  
  
And overgrown 11 years old with tits  
  
I'm your f**king sorting hat  
  
You got that  
  
We got some gay houses  
  
We got some laid houses  
  
Gripurhore is for the laid ones  
  
Every Slytherin has some  
  
Ravendull is gay  
  
Hufflestuff is too  
  
You want to learn  
  
Go to a real school dude  
  
  
  
Everyone clapped and hooted and hollered and everything untill Mcnotahore came into view again cursing under her breath.  
  
Mcnotahore::you lil sh*ts:: hm hm let me see..oh yea well we will sort these lil sh*ts I mean kids she corrected herself. When I call your name you better come up here or I'll hex you. If you start to get fungus on your forehead from contact with this digusting hat don't worry about it cuz we have fired the nurse cuz she was to nice to students so if you get sick it's your problem.. so let the damn sorting begin.::  
  
She called name after name. Most of them got stuck into Hufflestuff and Ravendull with the queers and I mean that. Most of less half got into Gripahore and Slytherin. After everyone was sorted and sames sexes stopped making out Dumpatdoor the Headmaster of Hoghores stood up and coughed for everyone to listen but it didn't work that easy. Snape looked into Dumpatdoors eyes and Dumpatdoor nodded. Snape pointed his wand at Ron Easy who was flirting with his lil sister Ginny and put one of the unforgivables on him. Everyone clapped then there was silence, scared they would be next even though it was quite enjoyable to watch for them. After Ron stopped twitching from pain Dumpatdoor began.   
  
Dumpatdoor::as to the first years I hope you have the most miserable years here and if you complain I will torture you::he laughed at the look the first years had on their faces:: I'm just joking you lil sh*ts he answered to them.:: I wish I could torture you but I can't my magic is too weak and mental so........ Snape will torture you and many other teachers at the same time. ok now our rules.... our rules... umm... I dunno really but if you do something and feel undesrible pain, that means you did soemthing wrong..now let the feast begin he said with a huge mental smile::  
  
Everything started again. You could hear shrieks of pain sreams of horror and many other undesribable noises. The food was the best thing about Hoghores or the only good thing. There was everything you could and not eat. But sometimes there were strange things in the food and lots of hair. It was sort of the thing in Hoghores after Dumpatdoor fired the Elfs after Hermione olmost killed him from her strangle and hired Trolls to cook and ever since kids would go missing.. Once Harry found a rubberband in his chicken pie or else he thought it was chicken but was to high to comment.  
  
The next day after their sleep in the dungeons.......................................   
  
Harry Ron and Hermione were sitting at the breakfast table finishing their breakfast when Mcnotahore came through and handed them their schedules but Hermione's had a lil surprise. Ooze started flowing out and covered her hands and boils started to develop and pop and burst blood and her blood spelled out.  
  
DON'T YOU EVER THINK YOU SMARTER THEN MEE!  
  
MS. STRANGLER!  
  
PROFFESOR MCNOTAHORE  
  
Hermione::oh my god that bitch she screamed and Mcnotahore winked at her::  
  
Ron::hey thats kind of sexy::  
  
Hermione::Ron I'm gonn kill your sorry ass::  
  
Harry::hey i'm sick of your fighting stop it::  
  
Hermione::you f**king sh*t and started strangling Harry with her boil covered hands::  
  
No one interupted cuz they didn't want to come in contact with her boils. Thats when a girl called Rons name and he left the spot to flirt. All of a sudden Ginny kicked Hermione in the back.  
  
Ginny::hey get off of him hes not sober::  
  
Hermione::what she said crying from the pain in her hands::  
  
Ginny::look hes not sober where not suppose touch him or more like kill him::  
  
Hermione::she took out here wand and pointed at each of her hands and muttered something. Her hands got a lil better without so much pain.::  
  
Ginny picked Harry up when Hermione put her wand upon Harry, Ginny grabbed it.  
  
Ginny::wait Hermione::  
  
Hermione::what Ginny he's gonna hurt himself like this::  
  
Ginny gave Harry a huge kiss and then ran away and let Harry fall smack on his face again.  
  
Hermione::sh*t she said and murmered once again and Harry became sober with a gigantic headache and bump on his forehead which looked a lot like a cracks ass::  
  
Harry::oh my god I think Voteforhim is trying to channel through me again::he said while rubbing his dope shaped scar::  
  
Hermione::you idiot you fell on your face again it's a normal reaction and HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-ELECTED wouldn't waste his thougts on you.::she started to strangle Harry again::  
  
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I hope you liked it I sort of got ideals for the next chapter if people review. So please review and comment on things if you think its to much or I need more. 


	2. DaDa's

Harry Pothead and the Chamber of Suicides: Chapter 2  
  
All HP Characters Belong  
  
To The All Sacred Highness  
  
J.K. Rowling, and maybe other  
  
unimportant resources. Ha Ha   
  
juss kiddin! I'm bein mean get   
  
the point. B ( Sry juss a bit  
  
depressed right now.  
  
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Chapter 2::::::  
  
Harry's recovery only took a few minutes of torture to distract him away from the pain Hermione made and a few threats from Professor Snape by putting another unforgivable on Ron which Dumatdoor didn't mind much for he thought Ron was a poor pervert. Harry's day was as horrible as ever, he had to keep quiet in class and try not to attract attention from being asked a question and getting it wrong. He didn't feel in the mood for the pain Hermione could give by her strangle and the pain his recovery would take. He also had to keep idiot Ron away from the girls cuz this dude acted like he was medicated on hormones and Harry was going off the deep end with it. He couldn't remember being as horny as Ron was as he pulled him away from Milisilint Bullstrode(just listen to her name). But of course Harry would skip a class which was always Divination, Professor Fraudlawney, because any other class he would probably be tortured out of his mind then sent back to his relatives the tormented BinLaden's in a bag with live scorpions accompanying him. He had to ease his mind somehow so by skipping idiotic Fraudlawney's class he would clash out his stash and go to wonderland. He had actually gotten good at making himself sober while he wasn't for the next class cuz Hermione would never skip any class and you wouldn't even want to ask her and Ron was way into fallowing girls into classes he never heard of. But on the plus side Harry was doing great in Charms with a charm you do to yourself when ur disabled in some way and he mastered that. He caught up with his friends on their way to Magical Creatures with Professor Handbig who also was the Keeper of Dumatdoors Nasty Keys and Moldy Grounds. This was the normal arrangement of the day, Harry and his friends would juss accidentally walk into Draco Femalefoy and his goons Crap and Gargoyle and then Femalefoy would start a name calling game and even called Harry Pothead, Harry Potter, how rude and disturbing. So then Hermione would start strangling Femalefoy and then Harry would hold back Crap and Gargoyle and Ron would juss go and flirt with the sub teacher if there was one but even if there wasn't Handbig(if hands are big wat else is big, get my drift) would never intervene in the fight until a student finally realized Handig was really rooting Harry and Hermione on and not really distracted by something else. And of course the fight would end by Handbig grabbing Femalefoy and throwing him in the bushes and asking if Hermione was ok but that kind of once got Hermione and Handbig in a little strangler fight cuz she once was slow on the uptake that Handbig really did know what she was doing and was juss trying to cover them so she's held up from strangling him from then on. So there daily routine then to class with magical creatures.   
  
Handbig::the creatures in this class today are called DaDa's::  
  
Hermione::oooooooo::she said raising her hand::  
  
Handbig::Hermione I didn't ask yet::  
  
She starting strangling him screaming that's not the right answer with Crap and Gargoyle laughing there fat asses off holding a half awake Femalefoy. Harry and finally Ron had to yank Hermione's small body compared to Handbigs off him and scream.  
  
Harry & Ron:::YES IT'S YOUR TURN HERMIONE!::until she loosened and her breathing became more at a slower pace::  
  
Handbig::Yea Yes it is Hermione, What are DaDa's::  
  
Hermione::hm.. hm.. well DaDa's are creatures originally originated from Pakistan and Saudi Arabia but soon moved to Britain because of the cooler weather because of their delicate skin and voices that can dry out and kill them from to much heat. They have the power to make you feel a very strong bond of feelings and attachment toward them juss by saying "Da Da" like daddy which hypnotizes the human mind into a kind of state of loving care toward this creature. The only way to avoid that hypnotism you have to admit to a love you've had and never really wanted to admit. Hm.. Hm..Thank You::  
  
Handbig::well..exactly right Hermione and even more::he said with a twitch::the creatures are in the boxes so their power can't affect you..yet..when I open this box each DaDa will spring to a pair of three and try to hypnotize you into caring and loving them. All you have to do to avoid that is admit to your two other partners and DaDa the one person you loved and never wanted to admit. Ok I think you have that all straight::  
  
Everyone nodded and he opened the box and out flew, red Furby like creatures with Dobby like ears and Philippine nose. One flew to Hermione, Harry, and Ron opening it's arms and walking baby steps to Ron saying "Da Da Da Da", while Hermione was furiously saying Ron, Ron, Ron, you d**kwad who do you love or did you love and don't want to admit.   
  
Harry: it's impossible Hermione he'll admit to anyone he likes he doesn't care and I think Ron likes him::  
  
Ron had picked up the creature and started rocking it back and forth singing "Bring Me To Life? by Evanescence.  
  
Hermione::hm..atleast its good song lets juss leave him like that cuz if he keeps on distracting the creature then we will get and easy "A" without trying::  
  
Harry::Hermione...That's the most....wonderful ideal you have had since I started to like you::  
  
Hermione::like as in what::  
  
Harry:::as in love baby: he started to try and kiss her::  
  
Hermione::sh*t your not completely sober, crucio::she pointed at Harry but nobody could hear his screaming because of everyone screaming the names of lovers they had that nobody wanted anyone to know about and the uncontrollable laughter when you heard a Neville Longbottom or Professor Snape.  
  
In the Great Hall for dinner:::  
  
Hermione::ok that was e-z..oww what the hell:::  
  
Hermione had received a shock in the head and looked beside her and saw Harry holding onto a DaDa like he had juss hit her with it.  
  
Harry::what::  
  
Hermione::did you juss hit me with that asshole::  
  
Harry::no Ron did: he said and then hit Ron over the head with the DaDa which made him pass out::  
  
Hermione::if Ron hit me why did you juss knock him out with that DaDa creature::  
  
Harry::cuz..umm..umm::  
  
Hermione::dun you lie to me I'm sick of correcting people::  
  
Harry::Hermione you dun correct you strangle::  
  
Hermione::thats because ever since the first year when I learned 11 year olds were numbness dimwits I was sick of correcting so I had to discipline and then it will be clearer to them::  
  
Harry::Hermione u dun have time to be an abusive parent that's their parents problems not urs::  
  
Hermione::ur trying to change the subject and it ain't working...hm..hm.. I mean isn't working:::  
  
Harry: well um cuz he's my friend and I didn't want him to go through the pain of your seriously have a problem with yourself strangle::  
  
Hermione::not good enough::  
  
The strangling begun but soon Cho came running in and pulling off Hermione then Ginny helping until Ginny realized she was helping Cho pull off Hermione and reminded her that she wasn't suppose to show up until his third year so Cho apologized and left and then Ginny was left with the problem. Hermione stopped dead.  
  
Hermione::was that Cho::she asked Ginny::  
  
Ginny::yea::  
  
Hermione::but not until next year she's not suppose to be in this story of Harry's second year that J.K. is writing::  
  
Ginny::Umm. SiSaMaria is writing this story not J.K. remember: she whispered::  
  
Hermione::oh yea::  
  
Hermione started walking away from a wheezing Harry.  
  
Ginny: where are you going your suppose to be strangling Harry::  
  
Harry squeaked trying to catch his breath and at the same time looking crazy at Ginny  
  
Harry: let her go: he squirmed out::  
  
Ginny::shh shh Harry: she said ignoring him::  
  
Hermione::o juss going to Cho::  
  
Ginny: why::  
  
Hermione::because SiSaMaria is writing this story not J.K. so she would probably let me kill Cho Bang before its even her time to appear in his third year::  
  
Ginny::oh yea great ideal, can I help I never really liked her much::  
  
Hermione::sure::  
  
They walked off together leaving Harry alone still trying to gasp breaths  
  
Harry::I..think..she..ripped..something..helll.....hellllp::he wisped out sounding a lot like Rose in Titanic when the boat sank and she was screaming for help with a frozen throat::  
  
The next day...  
  
Harry waiting for Quidditch practice was killing him it was the only place that he could get messed up and still be with people at the same time.Oliver Hangover who was the team captain didn't mind much and he felt he didn't need famous Harry Pothead in his face all the time. Harry and his friends had at least survived Snapes class earlier that day. Snape had been acting weird that day and maybe that fact that he was too much in swishing around in his chair like he an itch to notice anything wrong from the students, which from many things Gargoyles head in flames from putting to much star sparks, Hermione strangling Neville from putting 1 2/3 cup of dragon hide then the correct 1 2/4 cup, Harry of course getting what else, Ron starting to do a lap dance, and out of nowhere Slipknot the once pronominal rock band playing live in concert.(Ha Ha) And that could not not catch a persons attention unless they had a serious problem like sh*t head Snape. When Harry was leaving the class he spotted a quick peak of something in Snapes drawer. A small white and pink a lot like a tube of toothpaste but it said for feminine itch. Harry had never heard something like that and juss walked away puzzled as ever.  
  
Passing note in Professor Binns class.......  
  
Ron's writing::wat he juss talkin bout a women  
  
Harry's writing::I dunno why  
  
Ron's writing::because I'm a full grown boy with feelings you moron  
  
Harry's writing::ron no one is as horny as you  
  
Ron's writing::yea they are  
  
Harry's writing::name one oh and I mean as desperate as you  
  
Ron's writing:: Neville  
  
Harry's writing::that doesn't count  
  
Ron's writing::why  
  
Harry's writing::because J.K. is trying to make him better than me saying maybe I wasn't even the boy to make that sh*tty prophecy occur, bitch  
  
Ron's writing::that has nothin to do wit wat we r talkin bout  
  
Hermione yanking away the paper and writing::Did you just spell all those words wrong, Ron?  
  
Ron's writing::No that was not me, Hermione.  
  
Hermione' writing::Are you mocking me?  
  
Ron's writing::You just told me to...  
  
Hermione starting strangling him before he could even finish  
  
Harry ripping the paper from Rons turning blue hand and writing::hermione stop strangling him  
  
Harry hands paper to Hermione and she stops and looks at him like he's crazy  
  
Hermione::thats it I can never get to you guys you f**kin idiot your best friend is choking to death from me strangling him and you actually take the time to get a paper and write it down instead of saying it and still thinking from all the noise and choking sounds Ron is makin Binns cant hear him.::  
  
They looked up and Binns was still reading as dead as ever, not noticing anything.  
  
Harry's writing::yea  
  
Hermiione::f**k it  
  
She took the paper  
  
Hermion's writing::Fine ur right and I'm turning into one of you undereducated British people with a stupid Prime Minister and Prince Charles who Bush mistakes for the Queen.  
  
Ron's writing::I thought we were in Iraq  
  
Hermione started strangling him again  
  
Later that same week...  
  
Harry had been sober for a few days because Professor Fraudlawney had juss disappeared because SiSmaria had juss remembered she's not until third year but kept Magical Creatures cuz she knew she could have fun with that.  
  
Magical Creatures……..  
  
They had still been dealing with DaDa's and Ron still couldn't help but be hypnotized by them and Harry and Hermione rendered up he had already admitted to every love he ever had or would have and wasn't really scared to admit. So they had no problem cuz the DaDa knew Ron was the weakest so Harry and Hermione didn't have to admit to some secret or forbidden love. On the other hand Hermione had recorded Rons reaction every time to the DaDa. He would cuddle it in his arms or lay it in his lap and sing a rock song. So far the music was Threedaysgrace, Likin Park, Evanescence, and Nickelback. It was the easiest 'A" Harry had ever got.  
  
Once Handbig had actually been attacked by a DaDa and he had to admit to loving Dumpatdoor more than juss a friend. That explained the deep respect he had for him. But no one except for Femalefoy was stupid enough to comment.  
  
Femalefoy::Oh my god. I knew that big bloke wasn't normal but a queer well I have to say that passed me by::  
  
Femalefoy was going say something else but Handbig tackled him down like a fagot fan would tackle down Justin Timberd*ck but more furiously. Femalefoy juss lay there lifeless like and no one dared to help him, not even Crap or Gargoyle. So as the days passed by Femalefoy was left on the lawn with some respectful people walking over him but the rest juss stepping on him, but he still didn't stir.  
  
People thought he was dead until Cho had sneaked her way into the story again and stepped over Femalefoy and these girls wear shirts so that woke him right up into Chos skirt which made her scream which Ginny and Hermione both can hear a mile off and recognize and went running after her. The thing was Femalefoy grabbed onto her skirt and she knew if she didn't hurry she would be mutilated by Ginny and Hermione so she ran with all her might and her skirt ripped and was running in her underwear. That ripped Ron away from another girl and saw Cho running with Hermione and Ginny screaming and running furiously behind her and then he started to run after them trying to catch up to an uncovering panty Cho. They had ran into the castle now and Harry's unsoberness didn't need a spell to make him sober. He saw Cho, then Hermione pointing her wand at her screaming, Ginny throwing her bogie jinxes at her, and then Ron screaming "I only wanna ask you something, Cho". Harry watched and then thought," ooo she's pretty" and started running after them. They had done this for a while until Chinese government went and took Cho claiming she wasn't really British with a name like that and put her into a country where she is now a sex slave..  
  
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If I get another good review Voteforhim will probally be in the next chapter with.....I dunno, your juss gonna hav to find out. But pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze review and read if you juss skipped all the way to the end. 


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